Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
