It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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