i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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