Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
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Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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