What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My pussy is not your playground.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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