When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
