I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
