So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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