Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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