last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still dying that you shit outside
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize