i was born a porn star she said
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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