My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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