Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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