why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
where are my eyebrows?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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