Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
