I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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