you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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