fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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