I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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