You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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