she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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