Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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