Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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