Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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