I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
