girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
