You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
