I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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