quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
