Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
