I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
