i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
