Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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