If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
