I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
