I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
