I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
