it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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