Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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