Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
