You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
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