Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
