My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
