I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
