I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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