you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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