It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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