Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
