dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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