she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
