dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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