she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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