Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
