i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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