I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
