you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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