scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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