My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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