He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
